A letter written by S.R.
When things feel overwhelming, remember:
One thought at a time.
One task at a time.
One day at a time.
About 6 months ago the bottom fell out of my world. I went from an intelligent, functioning person to someone I don’t recognize. I look in the mirror and see the same face, but I feel lost and afraid. I struggle with the simplest tasks, like finding the exercise room. Then, for just a second, there will be a moment of clarity. Those are the hardest because I realize how my life has changed. I can’t heal from this nightmare.
I don’t want to be a burden on my family, especially my son. He is my rock. But when I call him I hear the frustration in his voice. When I see him there is a hint of anger that crosses his face for just a moment. When he has to explain the easiest task for the 10th time it is tiring. I know he loves me but he is also struggling with our new reality.
I participate in the activities, do crossword and word search puzzles trying to hold on to what little sanity I have left. Oh, how I wish I could turn back time to when things were normal for me.
At the end of the day I return to my room feeling lost, lonely and afraid. I start to cry, sometimes for hours. I really love my care community, and the friends I have made, but I hate who I have become and fear what my future holds for me.
Having managed an adult day program for over 12 years, I witnessed the progression of people with dementia and Parkinson-like syndrome, so the reality of what is in store for me is so frightening.
When I look around, I do realize just how lucky I really am. I can speak clearly and walk. There are so many here that can’t. I just wish there was someone here I could talk with about my fears.